Children & Divorce

• How to Tell the Children
• How to Ease the Transition Between Homes
• Ages & Stages:  Helping Children Adjust
• Books to Read and Movies to Watch
• What Your Child Needs Now

How to Tell the Children

As soon as you’re certain of your plans, talk to your children about your decision to divorce.  Although there’s no easy way to break the news, both parents should be present when a child is told, and any feelings of anger, guilt or blame should be left out of the conversation.  At best, this is a difficult message to communicate, but if you handle it sensitively, you can help make it less painful for your child.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to your child’s age and development, all children should receive the same basic message:  “Mommy and daddy used to love each other and were happy, but now we’re not happy and have decided we’d be happier apart.  What happened occurred between us, but we will always be your parents and we will always be there to love and take care of you.”

It’s important to emphasize that your child is in no way to blame for the breakup and that the unhappiness is not related to him or her.  Children tend to blame themselves for the failure of their parents’ marriages, and they need to be reminded frequently that it is not their fault.  Finally, your child might question whether your love for him or her is temporary (like the love with your spouse); reassure your child that while husband and wife may go away, mommy and daddy are forever!

When it comes to answering questions about your divorce, it’s important to give kids enough information so that they’re prepared for the upcoming changes in their lives but not so much that it frightens them.  Try to keep your feelings neutral and answer your child’s questions in an age-appropriate way and as truthfully as you can.  Remember that children don’t need to know all the details; they just need to know enough to understand clearly that although divorce means separating from a spouse, it doesn’t mean parents are divorcing their kids.

Not all children react the same way when told their parents are divorcing.  Some ask questions, some cry, and some have no initial response at all.  For children who seem upset when you break the news, it is important for parents to let them know that they recognize and care about their feelings and to reassure them that it’s okay to cry.

Most children are concerned most with how the divorce will affect them:

• Who will I live with?
• Will I move?
• Where will mommy live and where will daddy live?
• Will I go to a new school?
• Will I still get to see my friends?
• Can I still go to camp this summer?

Expect that your child’s adjustment could take a while.  Some emotional and behavioral reactions to the stress of divorce last for months or even a year.  Some may be more temporary, lasting only until the situation stabilizes and a child’s routine can be re-established.

As children evolve through the stages that psychologists call “storm, form, norm and reform” when faced with stressful situations, they often send signals that represent their reaction to stress.  Along with consistency and routine, you might find help from a child therapist.

Back to Top

How to Ease the Transition Between Homes

           
Separation and divorce mean two homes for your child, and too often that means two completely different sets of rules.  Far too often, following the “transfer” maneuver, it’s common to hear kids defending your most basic directions with “But dad always lets me stay up this late,” or “At mom’s house we don’t have to take the garbage out.”  It’s hard enough for children to comply with one set of rules, but having two is a guarantee for confusion and disobedience – not to mention resentment and anger between parents.

If you and your former spouse are going to parent together effectively, it would be easier to have a set of universal rules in place while, at the same time, recognizing the fact that each parent is an individual with differences and different needs.  At the minimum, create important lifestyle rules that are followed at both homes.  After all, you don’t want your child going from one house to the other feeling like they are migrating between different countries where the cultures and rules are so different.  As a starting point, consider the big rules to be:

• Homework rules – Homework needs to be done at both homes representing the same priority

• Bedtime and curfew – Slight variations are understandable, but keep it within the same hour

• Levels of responsibility – Children need chores and accountability at both homes.  While the specifics in these areas will vary, it’s not fair to the children to make it a free ride at one home and boot camp at the other!

• Age criteria and off-limit activities – General consensus on areas like crossing the street alone, sitting in the front seat of the car and dating should be consistent; furthermore, the big no-no’s like drinking, smoking, swearing and nocturnal endeavors should be so as well.

The Transfer Maneuver

Transferring children is a part of any divorce.  It is one of the most frequent and important parts of shared parenting.  Create transition rituals to help children feel secure.  Accordingly, try to:

1. Remind children 20 minutes before they can be expected to be picked up
2. Avoid drop-off or pickup time to discuss volatile issues with your ex-
3. Avoid conflict with a child just prior to pickup time
4. Be punctual with pickup and drop-off times.  Tension takes a toll on children.
5. Let your child assume a degree of accountability for possessions
6. Smooth the way for a child having transition troubles
7. Be aware that if a child seems to be pulling away from you toward the end of a visit, it’s likely they are preparing for the transition between homes – not rejecting you!

Finally, if you and your former spouse aren’t on cordial terms, transfer times can be especially stressful.  Consider not being around, have someone you trust do it for you, use school as your place for transition or take advantage of neutral drop-off and pick-up sites.

To learn more about how to make the transfer maneuver easier, click here.

Back to Top

Ages & Stages:  Helping Children Adjust

The way your children adjust will strongly correlate to your own adjustment.  However, children in the same family may react quite differently in accordance with their personalities, ages and gender.  A lot will depend upon the emotional support they are getting, the amount of conflict going on, and how temporary custody and visitation – along with all the issues relating to the parenting plan – are working.

Dealing with the parent who controls the purse strings can cause children to become either skilled manipulators or whining complainers.  On the positive side, they can develop self-sufficiency and maturity that is not influenced by bribery or intimidation by unwise parental control.

The following lists provide insight into the types of reactions to expect from children.  They are divided into age categories:

Birth to 4 Years

Possible problems include sleep disturbance, emotional memories, attachment problems and separation distress.  Parents can best help by coordinating napping and bedtime routines, not fighting in front of the children and establishing calm and conflict-free exchanges.

Also, younger children seem to be generally less troubled than older ones at the time of separation and divorce.  Their greatest fears relate to rejection, abandonment and not being taken care of.  Finally, the younger children often blame themselves for not being sufficiently lovable or well-behaved.

4 to 8 Years

Children of this age have wonderful imaginations.  They are also less conditioned to handling stress and may resort to more immature levels of behavior, such as thumb sucking or bed wetting.  As they develop, they try to become parental caretakers especially if they get stuck in the middle of parental conflict.  Unfortunately, in the midst of family upheaval, school performance often suffers.  Teachers label them as behavior problems and matters only get worse.

Parents with children at this age should reassure them that the divorce isn’t their fault.  While often difficult, they should be shielded from parental conflict.  As the children develop, it is wise to provide parental communication and support for children to master challenges of learning.

8 to 12 Years

The concept of daddy and mommy shopping (favoring one parent over the other) is most prevalent when children reach these years.  The behavior – like rejection of one parent, apathy, acting out, fighting, defiance or even perfectionism – is common.  At this stage, children often experience shame, blame, insecurity and sadness.  They feel powerless and sometimes even in denial (“It’s no big deal”).

To help, parents should encourage children to talk and share their feelings and thoughts, teach and model anger management, and validate their children’s feelings of grief.  Parents should be flexible in permitting children to talk to and see the other parent.

Teen Years

Behavior relating to defiance, arguing, the push-pull of control and withdrawal are common.  Children at this age may reject one or both parents and may be at increased risk for alcohol and drug use and, in some cases, promiscuity. 

At one end of the spectrum, once middle school begins, 12- and 13 year-olds are already suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous puberty. The emotional stress of divorce often destroys their concentration and forces them to a boiling point.  On the other end, the 16- and 17 year-olds take on an exaggerated sense of adult responsibility which, in turn, fosters authoritarian behavior.  Frequently, teens compete with parents who have stated dating again.  These children face the insidious inner questions of their own abilities to have long-lasting and healthy relationships. 

College-Age and Adult Children

In Massachusetts, the courts recognize the age of between 18 and 23 as the age of emancipation.  From this point forward, parents no longer have legal or financial responsibility for their offspring. 

Notwithstanding this, adult children of divorce have emotional reactions that are just as strong as those of younger children but they seem to suffer from financial worries more than anything else.  The college-age young adult is likely to experience uncertainty and trepidation about continued or future education if there is no explicit written agreement regarding support.  Another common dilemma of the maturing adult is determining how much to confide in one parent or the other.  Finally, as they hit their 20’s, children of divorce have to consciously avoid being used by parents to relieve their hurt, pain or anger.

As they mature, problems of etiquette arise.  Does the young son escort his mother to social events?  When a divorced woman chooses to use her maiden name or sell the family home, should her children take it as an implied rejection?  Much later, independent adult children who are concerned about being called upon for giving financial support for either or both parents. 

The Lifetime Effect on Children

• Having parents who don’t fight as much anymore
• Relief from involvement in parental conflicts
• More attention from both parents
• Feeling stronger and more independent
• Establishing a better support network between brothers and sisters
• Looking forward to and enjoying visits from the other parent
• Receiving more presents
• Being cared for by a larger circle of people
• Broader exposure through “weekend culture”

There are some disadvantages, too.  No child wants to be forced to grow up any faster than necessary.  Nor do children like frequently being called upon to assume a heavy load of household responsibilities.  Probably the worst dilemma for children of all ages is feeling that they must take sides.  It’s even worse if the parents force them to take sides.

If parents can co-parent together and treat each other civilly – for the sake and best interest of the children – the experience of divorce can be just another one of life’s unfortunate wrinkles.  When children are treated fairly, they grow up to be healthy, mature adults who face their parent’s mistakes, wipe themselves off and move on!

Back to Top

Books to Read and Movies to Watch

Over the years, we have compiled a list of books that we recommend to our clients of all ages to help them understand the range of emotions experienced when going through divorce and other family transitions. 

Books for Young Children:

It’s Not the End of the World, by Judy Blume
It’s Not Your Fault Koko Bear, by Vicki Lansky
Let’s Talk About It:  Divorce, by Fred Rogers
Mom and Dad Break Up, by Joan Singleton Prestine
Mom’s House, Dad’s House (For Kids), by Isolina Ricci
My Family’s Changing, by Pat Thomas
Sometimes a Family Has to Split Up, by Jane Werner
The Boys’ and Girls’ Book of Divorce, by Richard Gardner
Two Homes, by Claire Masure
When Mom and Dad Divorce, by Emily Menendez-Aponte

Books for Teenagers:

Moving Beyond Your Parent’s Divorce, by Mel Krantzler
No Easy Answers:  A Teen Guide to Why Divorce Happens, by Florence Calhoun
When Parents Split Up:  How to Keep Yourself Together, by Alys Swan-Jackson

Books for Adults:

Child Custody Made Simple, by Webster Watnik
Crazy Time, by Abigail Trafford
Parenting After Divorce, by Philip Stahl
The Good Divorce, by Constance Ahrons
Voices of Children of Divorce, by David Royko
What to Tell the Kids About Your Divorce, by Darlene Weburne

Movies to Watch:

Kramer vs. Kramer:  starring Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep
Mrs. Doubtfire:  starring Robin Williams, Sally Field and Pierce Brosnan
The War of the Roses:  starring Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito
Three Men and a Baby:  starring Tom Selleck, Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg 

Audio Programs – All Produced by The Massachusetts Family Law Group:

Divorce 101: A Guided Tour of What You Can Expect During Your First Year of Divorce
Transitioning Children Through Divorce
How to Get an A+ in Divorce Homework
Learn of the latest cutting-edge books and video programs relating to children and divorce on our blog TheBestInterestoftheChild.com.

Back to Top

What Your Child Needs Now

The most important thing – other than unconditional love and support – that you can give your children during the transition of divorce is help relating to their ability to cope as they react to the dramatic upheaval that’s going on in their lives.  Here are some of the strategies you can use to help:

• Be civil.  Simply put, the better you and your ex get along (in front of the children), the better they will adjust.

• Shelve your personal feelings about your ex.  You may think they were a horrible spouse while you were married, and maybe you’re right!  But none of that means they were a bad parent.  Unless you are sure they are doing something dangerous or irresponsible with the children, what you think of them as a person is irrelevant as it relates to the children.

• Be consistent.  Children need consistency and limits – now more than ever.  Try to minimize the disruptions to the important things in their lives that may have already been disrupted from the divorce: specifically their school, homework, extracurricular activities, chores and bedtime routines.

• Don’t make big changes at the beginning.  The breakup likely shocked the children enough.  Switching schools, moving to a new home, or any other major change may be too much at this early juncture.

• Get your own emotions under control.  Children will look to adults for coaching and cope with divorce the way you do.  If you fall apart, get depressed or withdraw, they will too; if you blame the divorce on them, they’ll grow-up with a victim mentality.  For the sake of the children, keep it together.

• Call upon therapists – if the time is right.  Sometimes, despite all your efforts to help kids cope, they’ll need more than you can provide.  It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent; it just means it’s time to call on somebody who does this for a living.

Watch out for the emotional scars or the beginning of certain beliefs that might be counterproductive.  If your child regresses for a few weeks, that’s one thing. If it continues, it’s time to talk to a professional.

If they withdraw from family or friends…change friends…begin to have wild mood swings…become violent or aggressive, and this lasts more than a month or so, raise the flag and get some help.  For the latest strategies on how to spot children as they begin withdrawing during divorce transition, go to our blog TheBestInterestoftheChild.com.

When looking for a therapist for your children, interview a few candidates before you make final decisions.  Moreover, seek those who concentrate on divorce and the family.

Back to Top