Dealing With Your Ex-Spouse

• How to Successfully Co-Parent Together
• Top Threats & Tricks During Divorce
• When One Parent Wants to Move Away
• How to Deal With Abuse and Control Issues

How to Successfully Co-Parent Together

Co-parenting means both parents play an active role in their children’s day-to-day lives.  The key to successful co-parenting arrangements is how well the parents function.  What works best for some divorced parents may not work well for others.

Talk with other parents for ideas.  Then decide with your former spouse on the best parenting arrangement for you, your former spouse and your children.

Research shows that some of the benefits of co-parenting include children develop feelings of stability, they continue relationships with both parents, they are less likely to feel torn between parents, they are less likely to feel abandoned, and they are less likely to feel they have to meet the social and emotional needs of their parents.

Parents must decide what aspects of parenting to share.  This will often depend on where the children live, how often they see each of their parents, and the parents’ ability to discuss issues with one another without conflict or “rehashing” the past. 

Below, there is a list of some of the things you may wish to consider when developing your co-parenting plan, which lays out parents’ role and responsibilities after divorce.  Who will be responsible for making certain decisions?  Will you make the decision?   Will your former spouse?  Will you make the decision together?

Household Rules & Caring for Children

1. Allowances
2. Bedtimes
3. Children’s grooming
4. Clothing children will wear
5. Computer & Internet use: software, video game use, which sites
6. Discipline
7. Handling behavior problems
8. Meals, overall diet, eating habits, snacks
9. Television: which shows/how much time
10. Toys and entertainment

Residential Considerations

1. Children’s friends
2. Schools children will attend
3. Where children will live
4. Transportation: which parent, which times?

Peers & Social Engagements

1. Children’s friends
2. Dating
3. Driving (for older children)
4. Overnight visits with friends

Education & Moral Training

1. Contact with teachers
2. Morals, values
3. Religion

Health Considerations

1. Doctor & Dentist visits
2. Medication
3. Psychological counseling

For the latest ideas, strategies and tips on co-parenting, visit our blog at TheBestInterestoftheChild.com .

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Top Threats & Tricks During Divorce

On a daily basis, our Worcester divorce lawyers and family law attorneys receive calls from panicked clients who have either been threatened by their spouse or fallen victim to the dirty business of divorce from the lawyers who play power games to gain an unfair advantage over the other side. 

If this happens in your divorce, there are few things that you can do to control it, but there are several things that you can do to manage the divorce. 

The first thing that you can do is recognize a scheme and power play when you see it.  The second thing is to not lose your cool and try to fight fire with fire.  It will only cause things to escalate and your entire family will suffer.  The final step is to think ahead and plan positive steps to counter your spouse’s power scheme.  Get outside help if you need to.  

What follows is a list of the most common threats and nasty tricks spouses and their lawyers play during divorce:

Spouse’s threat:
“I will tell the court about your behavior and you will never get the kids.”

Our response:  Divorcing spouses threaten anything to try to get custody (or a better portion of the parenting plan) and that usually means that they stand little chance of getting custody themselves, and therefore they need to browbeat you to try to get you to back off.  They threaten to reveal affairs, or perhaps that you smoked marijuana five years ago…that you have seen a therapist, are on anti-depressants, drink a glass of wine everyday, etc.  None of these, typically, have anything to do with the best interest of the children and will not be relevant to the court.

Spouse’s threat:
“Why are you going to take my money from me?”

Our response:  Let your spouse know that all you seek for is what you are legally entitled to under Massachusetts law and that both you and the children are entitled to the same fair share as your spouse is.

Spouse’s threat:
“Either do this my way or you won’t get a nickel from me.”

Our response:  Whenever there is a spouse who is used to having complete control – and having things their way – this is common.  Don’t worry…assets will be divided pursuant to Massachusetts law, not your controlling spouse’s sole discretion.

Spouse’s threat:
“I’ll go to jail before I’ll pay you a dime!”

Our response:  Courts have developed various tools to ensure support payments are made.  While there are spouses who don’t want to pay, incarceration is sometimes ordered on a charge of contempt, but this is rarely the case as most pay their court-obligated monies prior to spending time in jail.

Spouse’s threat:
“I will quit my job – and have no income from which to pay support – before I would
give you that amount of money.”

Our response:  If a spouse purposefully quits their job, the judge will come down hard on them.  Remember, since you are no longer married, the marital communication privilege is no longer available to your spouse.  Try to get a witness who can testify in court that they heard the statement.  If made in a letter or e-mail, save it and use it in court.

Spouse’s threat:
“All of these requests are ridiculous; your attorney is doing nothing other than running up a bill.”

Our response:  Discovery requests are common.  Good attorneys will draft these requests so that they will fully understand your case (discover) and the extent of the assets and issues in your case.  Let your attorney determine what information is necessary – not your former spouse.

Spouse’s threat:
“I will drag this case out forever.  I would rather pay my attorney than you…I will fight you to the bitter end.”

Our response:  Sure, many spouses threaten to continue fighting in the hope that you will give up or run out of money.  While it is unfortunate that people use such tactics, there are tools such as pushing the case forward to trial or the court’s sanctioning any delaying spouse to make them pay our attorney’s fees for such stall tactics.

Beyond these threats from your spouse, watch out for these descriptions and examples of tricks that your spouse’s attorney might pull:

• Convince your spouse to take the money out of jointly held bank accounts, put it all into an account in their name alone and let you handle the problems associated with covering bounced checks…especially if you pay household bills.

• Encourage your spouse to use credit cards to purchase and stock up on personal items or make large purchases.  Or, make sure they use your cards for which you are the primary card holder.  This is especially effective at the beginning or near the end of a divorce.  Imagine this:  Right before your settlement hearing, your spouse uses your credit card to purchase all the items they’ll need to set-up their new household.  You’d then be stuck with the bills if you agree to be responsible for the debt on your credit card as of the day of the divorce, which you didn’t know contained the charges made by your spouse.

• Refuse to speak with your spouse about anything, such as arrangements for them to have parenting time with your children.  This falls into the category of a tactic used by some attorneys to create conflict or create issues that don’t need to exist, increase legal fees and wear the other side down. 

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When One Parent Wants to Move Away

One of the most contentious issues that divorcing couples deal with is one parent’s desire to move away.  A move across town or even to a different city within driving range may not be a big deal, but when one parent wants to move out of town, sparks can fly.

It’s most common for move-away issues to come up when some time has passed after the divorce – as you start to make a new life for yourself and consider your options. 

One thing is for certain:  in Worcester County, if the child is under 18, or was born in the Commonwealth, or has lived there for at least five years, in order for a parent to move the child out of the jurisdiction, the parent must get either the child’s consent (if the child is of suitable age to consent), or both parents must consent or a court order allowing the child to be moved.

A custody risk factor is when one parent wants to move away. When that occurs, the court will look at the continuity and stability of the parenting plan and the harm associated with disruption of the established pattern of care.  The court will also make this decision based on whether there is a “real advantage” to the child in the new location.  The key advantages that can justify a move are employment for the parent, being near family, especially grandparents from the other side, or being in the custodial parent’s native culture (if significantly different from the present culture).  The court will also consider whether the motive of the move is to deprive the other spouse of contact; this will work against the move.

An example of case law in this area might be best depicted in Williams v. Pitney (1991) 567 NE2d 894, where the court held that “the move must be in the best interest of the child and confer on the child a real advantage.”  Here, the court granted the mother permission to move to California with the child.  In California, the mother had a cousin who worked in computer programming, the mother’s field.  Also, the mother’s child from a previous marriage lived in California.  Also, in California, the mother, a Spanish-speaking person, would find a bilingual community.  And finally, in California, the mother’s asthma might improve, as the climate was warmer.  The court allowed the move despite a provision in the separation agreement that the husband would have to consent to any move, and he had not consented.

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How to Deal With Abuse and Control Issues

There is a wide range of behavior that can be considered emotionally abusive.  Check to see if any of these relate to your situation:

1. Does your former spouse play psychological games such as ignoring your feelings, referring to all family assets as “my…,” ridiculing or insulting the opposite gender as a group, or withholding affection, appreciation, or approval as punishment?
2. Does your former spouse may physical threats?
3. Does your former spouse use money as a weapon?
4. Does your former spouse violate your privacy – tapping phone lines, follow you or design a plan to have you followed?

1. Does your former spouse manipulate you through the children by punishing them as spousal retaliation?  Do they threaten to or actually take the children away?

When a spouse faces the dissolution of a marriage, it’s more the rule than the exception that they’ll endure a tirade of remarks to convince them to reconcile, or – in the alternative – intimidate with the sole purpose of gaining an edge in the litigation process.

Your best defense is to ignore these remarks, but when it turns to parental alienation, our Cape Cod team emphasizes how you should seek remedies and protect yourself in every way. 

From the very beginning, you should look for signs of potentially abusive behavior.  Nobody pictures themselves with an abusive partner, but all to often, they were swept off their feet by one whose complex behavior unveiled itself as time went on.  Use the list below to tell if your spouse has abusive characteristics.  Merely having one or two does not, by itself, make them abusive though they may be.  If you can spot several, however, call your attorney or discuss it with a counselor:

• Do you see signs of controlling behavior?
• Were you pressured for a quick commitment?
• Do they exhibit signs of jealous rage?
• Are they the blaming kind?
• Have you been verbally abused?
• Does your partner use physical force?
• Do you see a pattern of acting out?
• Have you seen patterns of punitive (punishing) behavior?
• Is there chronic infidelity or use of pornography?
• Are there mental health concerns?

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can choose to end the struggle and begin with a better life.  Both the police departments and court houses are well-aware of domestic abuse, for it is a crime.  They can arrest your spouse or ask them to leave.  At minimum, you can file for a protective order.  There is no guarantee that an estranged spouse won’t violate it, but if they do, the law is definitely on your side.