Moving On: Life After Divorce

• Make Divorce Therapy a Top Priority
• Back to Court:  When Circumstances Change…
• Best Financial Moves to Make Now
• Dating & Remarriage
• Are You Sure You’re Divorced?

Make Divorce Therapy a Top Priority

One of the best gifts that you could give yourself while you’re going through a divorce is that of a therapist.  At the Worcester-based attorneys at The Massachusetts Family Law Group, the type of therapist we refer our clients to is a specific therapist – one who specializes in divorce.  This is not every therapist.  In fact, only a small portion of licensed therapists have true experience in working with their clients through divorce.  Oh, they have clients who are in various stages of divorce.

The term divorce therapist may be new to you.  This type of therapist is very different from a marriage counselor, whose primary thrust is to find a way to reunite you as a couple.  The “let’s put it back together” therapist isn’t very helpful when everything is falling apart, when your world is shattering.

 Outside of a child or spouse dying, divorce is one of the top three stress factors.  It is a huge psychological crisis in a person’s life, so why not get help in this area?  There are plenty of excuses why you shouldn’t:  having friends to talk to, rationalizing that you can’t afford it, preferring to talk to your attorney, or even ego issues.

Seeing a divorce therapist can help you get through the range of emotions that you will experience during – and after – your divorce.  It is a good idea to get help before you become extremely depressed or angry.  A divorce therapist is not just someone to talk to.  They are also a professional who can show you how to relax, how to talk to your children, and how to remain calm in court.  Most importantly, a divorce therapist can help you figure out how to become self-sufficient.

As divorce attorneys, it amazes us how many separated or divorced people seem to be deferring their happiness until they finalize their divorce.  We often wonder whether if they actually think there is a rule that they should postponing happiness!  If they do, they are dead wrong.

The “I’ll be happy when…” syndrome – postponing your happiness until some outside event or occurrence changes your life forever – is one of the biggest ways we sabotage our happiness.  The truth is that happiness is not an acquisition, it’s a skill.  It’s not about what you get or experience – it’s the way you live your life every day.   And you can get the things you thought would make you happy – whether it’s a house, a job, a husband, the kids – and you’re not going to be any happier because happiness isn’t dependent on the outside.  Otherwise, every person who ever achieved a goal would be walking around deliriously happy the rest of their lives, and that’s not the way it is.  The truth is, there always seem to be another thing standing between us and happiness – “I know I’m not married again, for the second time, but now I want to get pregnant.”  It’s never ending, because the things that give us true happiness – what we as attorneys call “real moments” – have nothing to do with what’s on the outside.  It’s within us to search for and find on our own.

Once you decide to move forward in your search for a divorce therapist, make sure that you and your therapist set concrete goals early on.  If you don’t, you will probably meet each week with no clear direction.  Once you set goals, you should never lose site of them.  If you don’t begin to see some progress within two or three sessions, you should address your concerns with your therapist.

It is our belief that as you are working with a therapist to get through your divorce, and begin some work on yourself, you don’t have the luxury to analyze how you were raised in order to find solutions to what happened.  If your therapist is focusing on the past, suggest a future orientation.  If they aren’t willing to take your lead, find a therapist who will. 

If you would like a list of references of therapists we’ve worked with, contact us to learn more about how divorce therapists help during divorce.

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Back to Court:  When Circumstances Change…

When things change over time – and they do – it’s common for one spouse to file a complaint for modification.  Here, you are asking the court to change an order because things have changed in a major way since the last court order. 

If one party to a divorce wants to change an existing court order and the other party won’t agree to the change, they must file a motion (a written request) asking the court that issued the order to modify it.  Usually, courts will modify an existing order only if the party can show a “substantial change in circumstances.”  This requirement encourages stability of arrangements and helps prevent the court from becoming overburdened with frequent and repetitive modification requests. 

Think about your own situation:  You can expect that as your children grow, their needs – and the cost of meeting those needs – will change.  Teenagers can be a lot more expensive than toddlers!  There will no doubt be unexpected changes, too, and you may find yourself wondering how to pay for tutoring for a child with reading problems or music camp for a child who shows promise.

Your own circumstances can change also.  You may lose your job or get a better one.  You might get hit with large insurance premiums or you may have hit the lottery! 
           
The most common examples which trigger these complaints for modification include:

• Geographic moves:  If one party wants to take the children and move away, the move may constitute a changed circumstance that justifies the court's modification of a custody or visitation order.  Some courts switch custody from one parent to the other, although the increasingly common approach is to ask the parents to work out a plan under which both parents may continue to have significant contacts with their children. 

• Change in finances:  If one party has changed jobs, and their income has significantly changed, that would trigger a substantial change in circumstances.  As would one party’s recent remarriage, a change in one party’s ability to meet any court-ordered financial obligation, etc.

• Change in lifestyle:  Changes in custody or visitation orders may be obtained if substantial changes in a parent's lifestyle threatens or harms the child.  If, for example, a custodial parent begins working at night and leaving a seven-year-old child alone, the other parent may request a change in the parenting plan.  Similarly, if one parent begins drinking heavily or taking drugs, the other parent may file a request for modification of the parenting arrangement.

The bottom line is that whatever the reason, you can always seek a change in the most recent court orders – either in an amount one party has been ordered to pay, the parenting plan or any other issue under the court’s control.  The key to remember is whether the change has been significant enough to be characterized as a substantial – or material – change in circumstances!

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Best Financial Moves to Make Now

 More often than not, the standard of living of both spouses drops in the first two years after divorce.  Why?  Because the same combined income and pool of assets has to now support two households instead of one.  Frankly, most people don’t prepare themselves for such a circumstance.

As it is, divorce is an inherently stressful process; however, if you take a proactive approach and remain in control.  Think of it this way:  you’re either holding the leash, or the leash is being put around your collar!

Here are some ways you can take financial action now:

1.  Consider whether or not you can afford to keep the house.  Though this might be extremely emotionally satisfying, it doesn’t always make financial sense.

2.  Consider the after-tax values of your assets.  Accounts with pre-tax contributions and tax deferred growth come with a tax liability.  Know what the after-tax equivalent value is before agreeing to take an asset.

3.  Don’t live beyond your income.  Reduce your expenses – or increase your income – so that you are always saving something for a rainy day.  Call your financial planner, or contact us for a referral, so that you can design an overall budget if you don’t already have one.

4.  Realize that you won’t get everything you want in the property division.  Don’t spend months and thousands of dollars fighting over furniture, appliances, or other personal items.  Make a short list of property and be prepared to compromise on everything else.

5.  Update insurance coverage and beneficiaries.  Insurance policies are easy to neglect, but it’s important that you review all of your insurance and get it in order.  If one agent helps you with all your coverage, schedule a meeting to go over everything:  health insurance, life and disability insurance, along with your auto insurance.

6.  Protect your retirement rights.  If you and your spouse divided retirement plans, you need to make sure that all the dividing actually happened.  If the retirement plan was a defined benefit plan, you undoubtedly asked the court to enter a QDRO, or qualified domestic relations order, requiring the plan administrator to split pension payments between you and your ex-spouse when the payments eventually become due.

7.  Update your will and trust.  If you haven’t yet made a new will, do it immediately.  Any will that you made during your marriage says that you are married and, most likely, leaves your property to your ex-spouse.  Even if you do want to leave something to your former spouse, you need to change your will to state you are a single person and restate your intentions.

8.  To protect your credit, get a copy of your credit report and confirm all bank and credit accounts are separated.  You have probably already closed all your joint accounts, but if there are any left over, take care of them now!

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Dating & Remarriage

When to start dating after a separation or divorce is a subject of some controversy – among the courts, family counselors, those healing after the breakup of a relationship, and those who have been there.  Many strongly urge waiting until some specified time period has passed.  Others believe people should go with what feels natural and right.  Some suggest one thing, while they in fact admit that if it were they that they would probably do even another!

Notwithstanding these personal preferences, there are some common stages and patterns you can expect to see:

Those who remarry too quickly – say within 18 months – after a divorce are more likely to experience problems in the subsequent marriage.  After all, while four-out-of-five people do remarry, they need some time to heal and learn from what happened before to have a better shot at success in their subsequent relationship.

As time moves on, many face the “come close but go away” stage.  Here, when somebody meets a loving partner, fear sneaks in.  That, many suggest, is why many may have a series of ninety-day relationship wonders – short, intimate relationships that eventually end.  The lesson to learn at this stage is that making quick commitments might send you the signal that you’re on the road to recovery, but the devastation of another breakup can send you backwards if it is extremely painful.

When enough time has gone by, many reach the “intimacy without fear” stage.  Here, psychologist Mel Krantzler suggests you may be prepared for deeper emotional involvement.  While it is true we may experience a good deal of solitude upon entering this stage, it may also let you come to the realization that you have figured out what it is that you both want and need.

In any case, people who are relatively happy with their present life will be much more likely to experience success in their future relationships.  Instead of finding somebody who might “make” you happy, these people have found happiness on their own and choose to share it with a new partner.

As attorneys, we often find ourselves answering two other questions:

• “What is the best way to introduce a new boyfriend or girlfriend?” – To this, we suggest that (assuming the divorce is final) they take some time – say six months or more – before introducing or even asking their children to accept a new person in their mother or father’s life.  Think about it:  The relationship between you and a new person is between the two of you first; if it continues, you can gel yourselves into the family model over a much longer period of time.

• “How should I handle my child who resents my new relationship?”  This is the easier question to address.  While we aren’t psychologists, most tell us that the real issue children have is that of abandonment – thinking that the parent will leave the children and run away with their new friend.  Our best advice:  Reassure the children that, while you are going out, you are coming home to them…you always have and you always will!

When Your Former Spouse Starts Dating

While dating after divorce may be difficult as it is, the issue gets even more complicated when a former spouse starts to date.  After all, when we make our own decisions, we’re prepared for them; that isn’t always the case when the control is in somebody else’s hands. 

The best advice is to understand and accept the fact that you cannot choose whom or when your former spouse dates.  Even if you feel great relief about not being married to your ex-, it is not uncommon to feel waves of jealousy when you learn that they may be intimately involved with somebody else.  Getting through this stage isn’t easy.  It is normal having to deal with this feeling – particularly the first time you go to pick up your children and you meet your former spouse’s significant other and they may be helping one of the children get dressed.  Like any other stage, it just takes time.

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 Are You Sure You’re Divorced?

So, you’ve had your day in court, and it’s all over.  Right?  Not so fast.  Thinking back to the expression that, “It isn’t over until the fat lady sings,” she hasn’t sung yet! 
     
Below are some common tasks that need to be addressed soon after divorce. Since there are so many issues to address, just double-check that none of them has slipped through the cracks:

1. Has the judge actually signed the decree?  Has the property that was ordered to be transferred actually delivered?  Has the paperwork to transfer the title been completed?
2. As it relates to child support payments, if set up through the Department of Revenue, have the payments yet begun to deposit on a regular basis?
3. Make sure joint bank accounts are closed and that there aren’t any outstanding checks
4. If there are arrangements with companies for automatic withdraw, advise the same of any changes
5. Have you set-up a journal or child support ledger to track all payments?
6. Is there any evidence – hearsay or otherwise – about your spouse filing for bankruptcy?  If so, contact a lawyer as soon as possible.
7. Alert your employer to the change in your marital status.  Any emergency contact forms need updating as does your insurance policy for purposes of the correct beneficiary.  Finally, will you need to make changes relating to your W-2 forms or the number of dependents you claim for purposes of deductions on each paycheck?
8. Some people send divorce announcements.  Just as some brides and grooms send out announcements when they plan to wed, some do the same as it relates to divorce.  As attorneys say, “Put the whole world on notice!”

Finally, get yourself a safe deposit box and put the following six documents in it; they’re the most common things we’ll need when (emphasis added) it comes time for your first complaint for modification:

1.  Final divorce decree
2.  Marital Settlement Agreement
3.  Financial disclosure information
4.  Copies of Qualified Domestic Relations Orders (QDROs)
5.  Tax forms filed for the past three years of marriage
6.  Your spouse’s Social Security number if they are paying spousal support

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